AWKWARD

Confessions

2011-11-04T19:09:00.001-07:00

I feel that I have to have a solution to EVERYTHING all the time, and when I don't I freak out inside.

Some nights bring out "ghosts of the past"

2011-09-18T09:00:00.000-07:00

I am not sure exactly how it went from just another uneventful saturday, even a little bit boring, to a wave of old feelings coming back to life. A lot of things should remain in the past, and not thinking about them is a way to cope with the scars left behind. For some odd reason last night I discovered that these "scars" are no scars at all, they are still open wounds. A tidal wave of vivid memories came right at me at one point all at once, and it took over me. All the feelings as vivid as the day it happened, all the pain, the confusion, and the shock. Yep seeing your boy friend with another woman is a horrible experience and would never wish such a thing on anyone.

Even though I shut him out of my life forever, and he is half way across the world, he left much behind. Things did not end like they should have ended. At one point I decided that forgiveness was the only thing that would give me peace of mind, but thats not true. I am never ever truly going to forgive. I am dead scared of getting close to anyone now, even though I usually give things a normal chance, at a certain point all these things come back to me , and scare me.

Last night was one of those masked nights.

2011-06-26T21:56:00.000-07:00

It's hilarious how the world works, and how things have a way of coming in and out of your life with no warning, and no purpose. At least that's how I see it now, because I have no choice. I believe in destiny but if why would destiny bring a person back in my life for a 3rd or 4th time? I have to keep a cold head on this one because otherwise ill go nuts trying to figure out something that maybe has no answer. Its painful, the feelings are so vividly there, in fact the more I discover the more I want, the harder to let go. We are such complicated beings, and I just wish things were simple.

WTF?!

2011-06-15T20:57:00.001-07:00

Is there something more disturbing than my dad being friends with my ex on facebook......I don't think so....BOB SAGET!

My day as an actress

2011-06-15T20:41:00.000-07:00

Today was different. It has been 2 weeks now since I have been able to keep my stress in check, since I started dancing again...who knew. Anyway, work is tolerable for now and so is coping to the everyday stress fest that come with the territory of working a trading desk. I really love what I do, but sometimes it gets the best of me.
Today was a good day! My friend Gina called me asking for my assistance in a video game project. Of course the curious geek in me was all about it. Turns out her company needed a voice for Laura Croft for a proposal to a prospective client, I guess they are making the pre qual to the first video games. I gained a whole new respect for actors, that shit was not easy! I got a lot of laughs and it's definitely interesting to see how everything comes together, I think i'd do it again....I don't expect my Oscar anytime soon though :P...i'll stick to trading as my primary source of income ..ha!

2011-06-12T18:30:00.000-07:00

I am really tired of being so ADDICTED to social media, specially Facebook.

A D H D

2011-06-10T20:49:00.000-07:00

I am starting to seriously question if my lack of focus over the last few months is due to my current "20's crisis" or if I have ADD. I have a stack of book on my desk for certifications, the GMAT, and other career improvement material. I haven't been able to get past the first page on most. How do other people do this? How do people know if the path they are on is the right one? This boggles my mind every day. My career has been the focus of my life since I started college, it come before anything and anyone, including me. I never doubted that what I was doing for a second, I was motivated, ambitious, and energetic. Now I sit here wondering how to keep moving forward while feeling so burnt out, and asking myself if the decisions I am making are for the better... I wish I had a life-cheat-sheet.

California is making its best case against NY

2011-03-30T17:22:00.000-07:00

How can I leave this?!

2011-03-22T16:38:00.000-07:00

Today I can't stop thinking of how much I wish I was in Manhattan....lets see how long it takes me get there ;)

Sh*t My Guy Friends Say

2011-03-17T09:35:00.000-07:00

I called my friend selfish in his relationship issues, his response:
"Its not selfish! it's being a ...man?"

Later on in the conersation...

Me: " you can be a dick sometimes..."
guy friend: " good- I heard girls don't like pussies"

...

2011-03-16T20:03:00.000-07:00

Every now and then it feels really nice to look back on some of the "firsts" in life.
I very often remember the boy that taught me how to kiss. This is one of the most vivid memories i'll ever have. Those starry summer nights accompanied by the sounds of music, Air Batucada by Thievery Corp to be exact, the one I mainly remember. I like getting lost in those memories, ah between the summer breeze, the stars, the rush, the music, and the taste of watermelon jelly ranchers... perfect. :) Tops my teenage memories hands down.

My Psychic Reading

2011-03-16T19:12:00.000-07:00

They told me it was bad luck to talk about it the first 21 days, so I had decided to post this ASAP. Not that I am superstitious, but apparently I cant afford any more bad luck....since im cursed and all HAHAHAHA.

I am not really sure why I did this. A few weeks ago a friend asked me to go with her to a psychic to get our cards read, but I said no " I don't believe in that stuff, and I love not knowing". I asked her if she ended up going, and when she said she still wanted to go I agreed to go with her.

I walked into this little room with 2 chairs and a table with scrambled tarot cards on the table. She asked me to pick 12 and put them in a stack, and when I did she put them in order, and proceded to freak me out.
She told me she saw a child circulating around me with its head down, a sad child. I thought "oh cr@p!" After she asked me if I had ever had a miscarriage or abortion and I said of course not, she proceeded to tell me that I should practice safe sex because this child was ready to be born wether I am ready or not.
( If I wasn't super single at the moment I would have freaked out).

She proceeded to tell me that I am soon to move, and that this change was for the better. I guess I kinda wanted to hear that since I decided earlier that week that I wanted to live in NYC and started looking for career opportunities and even the MBA program at NYU. Oh here is another good one, she said that she saw a blonde female that will approach me in 5, 5 days, 5 weeks, or 5 months for a great career opportunity, but that she also saw 2 people one male and another female that would try to make me fail one at work and another in my personal life. The woman asked me if I had any idea who it could be, I said no and she looked worried " hunny, you really need to be careful". I was more calm when she said that she could see that I have worked very hard to get to where I am and that I will accomplish great things in the business world and money would never be a problem for me, it revolves around me. (you would think so since I am in banking hahahahaha!!!). She said I would be in my industry for 4 more years and then i'd switch because I wanted a meaningful career that helps people, and that I would go back to school for a while. Now I never said I was unhappy in my Industry or that I am thinking about school, so that was interesting.
So my take away was I am great in business, but my personal life.....oh hold on to your psychic hat!!
She said that I have a bad vibe attached to me, and that it is preventing me from being happy and finding love. She was able to tell me that someone in my past made my "spark" disappear because they hurt me, and I have not been able to trust and love the same since. This is true.
She said that this person's energy is still around me, and that someone went out of their way to poison this person against me. Apparently I was not supposed to be just another girl in this man's life, I was THE girl but apparently someone did voodoo witch craft on me , oh and I still have it and its why I am imbalances and my energy gives out odd vibes that are not really who I am., and it makes me be odd and make bad decisions. At this point I was so confused because I wasn't sure who would go out of their way to curse me. She said now there is some one, but I don't give it a fair chance, and I keep sending him strange vibes. She asked me why, and well I told her " I don't trust him" she asked if he knew this I said " most likely". According to her he is receiving my strange vibes and thinks im a weirdo... oh crap! but I did know this. She took another card and said that I have a physical connection with this man, but I am blocking the spiritual connection, and what ever problem was keeping us from being together it was mine, and not his. This weirded me out.
She said she saw a marriage proposal at the end of this year or beginning of next but that I am insecure and say No. That I would have 2 serious relationship in then next 2 years, but I wouldn't be really happy, and that I shouldn't go into a relationship for the rest of this year, that I should take baby steps to start trusting people again. According to her the bad vibe voodoo someone put on me is still in me and I need to get a cleanse, or it can affect me and my future ability to have children. This really really freaked me out, but I got over it. At this point all I could think of was that I wanted to go to cleanse from being at a psychic reading. I was starting to realize that she is one of those people that can read people very easily, and I am one of those people that can be very easily read.
It got more intense when she said that my job was going to cause me a great del of stress enough to give me an eating disorder, a sleeping disorder *which I have already*, and a vitamin deficiency. So I agree I need to take better care of myself, because you can tell these things from my skin. But wait an eating disorder?! ha ha ha ha man! I love food, so I don't see that happening.
The thing that bugged me the most was that she said she saw a woman in my life being hospitalized, and that I would shed tears, but that her will to live is strong and she pulls through. This made me worry :(. She said my best friend would go under a sever depression and that God chose me to get her through it, and this year several people would pull on me for help, and I should be there for them too. Now when have I not been there for my friends?! The last few things she said was that a career move at this time was a good idea, that I have many opportunities. She did say I had a strange vibe, it was darkened by an outside force and bad wishes from another woman. She insisted I get a spiritual cleansing. Of course I asked what this would entail, she said she needed to figure out what curse had been placed on me first. WELL HOT DAMN WOMAN. By that time I was already to freaked out to hear anymore, and she just said that my confidence was low due to this dark energy around me, and that she saw patterns of it in my life.
My friend went into her reading and came out just as freaked out, this woman said that we were very strange girls, and that God brought us together to come seek help.

Oh wow.

My mother called me when I was sitting in a waiting room while my friend got her reading, she said my phone dialed her a few minutes before, I guess my iPhone butt dialed my mom. Funny I how that happened, my mom said she was worried about me and asked me where I was. I lied. She would yell at me until the cows came home for being dumb enough to go to a psychic. I love my mom she always has a way of getting me back to my senses.

So this was my little adventure of the week. I am impatient as f#$%k, and today I learned that I can't have all the answers because I have to make them up and make them happen first ;).

And never again will I go to get my cards read, although maybe I will open a similar business and have people smoke a joint and i'll read their fumes ;) HAHAHAHAHAH.

2011-03-15T15:08:00.000-07:00

I have been back in California for a week now, but my mind is not here. With everything going on my mind has decided to leave me and relocate to the memory of the modern art exhibition hall at the MoMa. Ahhh . I haven't decided if I am holding a glass of wine or a cup of coffee though....desicions desicions....

God has a sense of humor today, and I'm pretty sure he got a good laugh at my expense.

2011-03-11T17:33:00.000-08:00

I AM SO HAPPY IT IS FRIDAY!!!! I have been on zombie mode since I got back from my trip to NYC. Today it officially kicked me in the butt...doing things without thinking or switching from work/cover your own behind/compliance mode to easy going in the personal life mode can get you called "awkward", which I think is another way of saying "weirdo"....good thing I decided not to care too much today. Also, I learned you can hurt someone's feelings even with countries and oceans between you and doing nothing... Oh one more... I apparently have clones in NYC and in Malmo and this last one got me in trouble :P
... God has a sense of humor today....

I Left My Heart in NYC

2011-03-11T17:20:00.000-08:00

I finally got to meet New York City! I did not realize that I began a love affair with this city until I got back to California. It was almost instant when I realized that although I love SoCal it is not where my mind is anymore.
It is not a "beautiful" city by definition, but lets say for this one that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and it made my city look like a rural village. I close my eyes and remember the sights and sounds.....I totally dig!

In the short 4 days I was there I learned a few lessons here and there, which I think are having side effects now (considering that my mind is at 100 mph and the only way to stop it is to put the thoughts into writing).
I learned is that I have a love/hate relationship with my car, and here I thought I would love it so much more after having spent $$ on cabs, or getting lost on the subway.
How can I not love a city that has culture, and its not surf culture, its the real kind (wink).
OH I learned that too many awesome shopping places clustered together overwhelm the shopaholic within me.....this saved my budget!
I learned to "navigate".
I learned to suck up my pride and ask for directions.
I learned to walk fast.
I learned night life doesn't end after 2 am at bars...
I learned that a view doesn't need to have the Pacific Ocean next to it to enjoy it on a daily basis.

on a more personal level ....

I learned that some types of chivalry are not dead...this one I enjoyed discovering...specially with all the gender role reversal fuck up we are all experiencing....anyway
I learned that no matter how nice you are to people, if you are in a shitty situation, or someone else's, the first impression has been made for you...trying to change it will probably not work.
I learned that given the right conditions I can feel as awkward as I did when I was in high school (not my favorite).
I learned that there are people who are "cool as a cucumber" even under challenging circumstances, and that I want to learn to be like that.
I learned to try to see the best in everyone, and its easier to live that way.
I remembered a life with endless possibilities (yea you tend to forget if you dont take a vacation from work in 3 years).

This trip was not a vacation, it was more a get away....all in all I got what I wanted out of it:
perspective
peace of mind
clarity of thought
a reintroduction with a possible better friendlier outcome.

Oh how I wan't to go back to Manhattan!

Swiss Cheese

2010-08-09T11:14:00.000-07:00

After a week of feeling like a hole was punched in my stomach the weekend turn out to be a violent explosion of truth. It seems I have not been learning my lesson at all...."Denise trust your instincs". Instead I second guess myself, and fill my head with insecurities, excuses, and lies and then it blows up in my face. Typical.
For a person who stresses out at evrything in life and has the ability to generate an extraordinary amount on anxiety, I turned out to be pretty brave at taking risks of the heart. Im stuck in a limbo of feelings. Apparently from chosing to feel pain or chosing nothing....I chose nothing...I feel nothing. I even test it to make sure..I remember happy memories and I remember painful ones...numbness.

I feel like Swiss cheese today....sometimes we hope that one person fills a hole that someone else left in our hearts, but its tricky because instead they carve their own hole....so no we are talking plural....like Swiss Cheese...

LML Not FML

2010-08-05T14:56:00.000-07:00

Life has a way to keeps most of us busy. We take everything so seriosly it causes stress, fatigue, and we walk around in a little gray cloud going " boo hoo liFe is hard!". WHY? Why are we like that....why are the moments when we realize that the journey we are going through is beautiful, exciting, excilirating, and full of surprises are very brief? compared to the moments we are stuck in our selfish negative outlook on life.
We walk through life in fear....all kinds of it...we shield ourselves so not to get hurt by anything or anyone....HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO EXPERIENCE ANYTHING?

I repeat these wise words " Where ever it is you go, go with all your heart" -Conficius.

LML....(Love My Life)

Sometimes I Wish Ghandi Was My Life Coach...

2010-07-28T15:00:00.000-07:00

This stands out to me today." The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong" - Ghandi
Oh I hope its true, I cant tell if I am or not a forgiving person, but here I am trying to find out. I just don't know if I am testing my limits.
A part of me feels that its a selfish reaction, and another side of me thinks it is well within my rights... the dreaded victim card. It has been a challenge to not be afraid, so sometimes its all about taking a deep breath and acting quick before the brave streak ends...Fear is what clouds our judgement, it is the downfall of every important civilization in our history...it all comes from fear of getting hurt?...in that case its good to remember another wise thing Ghandi said " Nobody can hurt me without my permission"...
something to ponder...