I haven't felt so afraid to let someone in my heart in a very very long time. Everyone tells me that being afraid is normal, and that the whole feeling of something new is amazing. The agony, the fear, the warmth, and the butterflies in the stomach. . . its torture. I just want to sit and cry until I get a clear answer. The anxiety is killing me, I slept half the day just so I dont have to face any of this. I hate/ love when someone enters my life and turns everything upside down. I just can't take another heart break.

Confessions

I feel that I have to have a solution to EVERYTHING all the time, and when I don't I freak out inside.

Some nights bring out "ghosts of the past"

I am not sure exactly how it went from just another uneventful saturday, even a little bit boring, to  a wave of old feelings coming back to life. A lot of things should remain in the past, and not thinking about them is a way to cope with the scars left behind. For some odd reason last night I discovered that these "scars" are no scars at all, they are still open wounds. A tidal wave of vivid memories came right at me at one point all at once, and it took over me. All the feelings as vivid as the day it happened, all the pain, the confusion, and the shock. Yep seeing your boy friend with another woman is a horrible experience and would never wish such a thing on anyone.

Even though I shut him out of my life forever, and he is half way across the world, he left much behind. Things did not end like they should have ended. At one point I decided that forgiveness was the only thing that would give me peace of mind, but thats not true.  I am never ever truly going to forgive. I am dead scared of getting close to anyone now, even though I usually give things a normal chance, at a certain point all these things come back to me , and scare me.

Last night was one of those masked nights.

It's hilarious how the world works, and how things have a way of coming in and out of your life with no warning, and no purpose. At least that's how I see it now, because I have no choice. I believe in destiny but if why would destiny bring a person back in my life for a 3rd or 4th time? I have to keep a cold head on this one because otherwise ill go nuts trying to figure out something that maybe has no answer. Its painful, the feelings are so vividly there, in fact the more I discover the more I want, the harder to let go.  We are such complicated beings, and I just wish things were simple.

WTF?!

Is there something more disturbing than my dad being friends with my ex on facebook......I don't think so....BOB SAGET!

My day as an actress

Today was different. It has been 2 weeks now since I have been able to keep my stress in check, since I started dancing again...who knew. Anyway,  work is tolerable for now and so is coping to the everyday stress fest that come with the territory of working a trading desk. I really love what I do, but sometimes it gets the best of me.      
Today was a good day! My friend Gina called me asking for my assistance in a video game project. Of course the curious geek in me was all about it. Turns out her company needed a voice for Laura Croft for a proposal to a prospective client, I guess they are making the pre qual to the first video games. I gained a whole new respect for actors, that shit was not easy! I got a lot of laughs and it's definitely interesting to see how everything comes together, I think i'd do it again....I don't expect my Oscar anytime soon though :P...i'll stick to trading as my primary source of income ..ha!

I am really tired of being so ADDICTED to social media, specially Facebook.